And...?

 

This is a partial view of my fireplace mantel. I found this giant distressed ampersand over the summer, and, being a punctuation mark, it kind of spoke to me. Like literally. It said, (this is going to surprise you), it said...

AND...?

 I know. Right? But seriously, even though my high school English teacher would say that a conjunction cannot be a sentence and a question all by itself, I knew what it was asking me.

Now what?
What's next, Kerri?
Yes, you're pretty happy, but why stop? You know you want more.
And...?

So this two-foot ampersand is not just a beautiful big piece of punctuation, it does what punctuation does best. It stops me. It emphasizes. And, more subtle than a question mark, it reminds me that I still have so many questions to answer. So many possible ways to end the sentence.

Stuff I wish I liked.

 So enough about my worries and fears... a walk on the whimsical side today...

A friend recently posted on Facebook that she was going apple-picking with her family. I smiled at the thought.

But then another thought occurred to me. I really don't like apple-picking.

I've been apple-picking. I think it's kind of boring, and I don't care much whether I've actually plucked an apple from a tree or not. What I like is the IDEA of apple-picking. I like apples, and apple crisp and apple pie. I like the ride to an orchard, on a crisp, sunny fall day. I love the little country orchard stores, with their jams and jellies and handmade crafts, the aroma of cinnamon in the air.

But I really don't care to pick apples. It tends to be colder under the trees, and the ground is covered with mushy apples that I don't want to step in. I prefer to buy a bushel that has been picked and packed for me back in that cute little country orchard store.

And this made me think about other things that I don't really like but I so desperately WANT to -- because of the ideas and images and rituals attached to them. Here are a few of them:

Tea. 
What's not to love about tea? I love everything about tea, except for, well, drinking it. I love teabags, steeping in hot water, their artsy tags dangling. I love the amazing, exotic array of tea flavors. I love loose tea, and those adorable infusers that actual tea-drinkers get to use. I love tea packaging -- seriously --  those Republic of Tea canisters are irresistible. I love tea-drinkers (Fran). They are consistently hip people. But alas, I really don't like tea.

Major League Baseball.
Young athletes in uniform. Joe Girardi (sigh). Ball caps, baseball stadiums, logos, team colors, competition. What's not to love? Except, for me, the game itself. This actually applies, in my case, to virtually every sport. I could not care less. Big balls. Little balls. No balls. Balls being thrown, kicked, tossed, hit, bounced, volleyed. Lines crossed, nets penetrated. It stirs nothing in me. But I love the IDEA of a ball game. I love a trip to Yankee Stadium! The iconic shape of the stadium itself, the fans all decked out in Yankee t-shirts and ball caps, Joe Girardi (sigh again). But the game itself? The score? I have to remind myself to watch while I am sitting there scanning the crowd in the hopes of seeing a famous person actually watching the game. (PS, Joe Girardi, if you are reading this, I am kidding, of course!! I live for baseball. Go Yankees!! ;o)

Seafood.
It comes in so many shapes and sizes and colors and preparations. Filets, claws, shells, caviar! Whole fancy restaurants are devoted to it. The best vacation places thrive on it. And it's good for you. I love watching Iron Chefs making everything from appetizers to dessert out of it. But yuck. Really. My palate just won't cooperate with my eyes on this one...with the unique exception of fried calamari, dipped in maranara (I know).

There are, of course many others... (classical music, exercise, meditation, yoga...) What about you? I am sure I am not alone in this. Happy Hump Day!!! :o)

No seriously, Joe. I LOVE baseball. xox

Acknowledging fear...

As I begin to devote my time and energy to the business of art, I am forced to stare my fears in the face.

Up until very recently, I believed I should ignore my fears rather than admit to them. I thought that admitting I was afraid would feed my fears, and give them power. But I've found out that the opposite is true.

So I've been asking myself, "What are you really afraid of?" I had thought that my biggest fear was of failure. Obviously, I don't want to fail at my dream of making a living as an artist. I want enough success to sustain me, my artistic soul, my home, and my life.

But what I found as I listened to myself (those voices in my head) is that even bigger than my fear of failure was a fear of success. I am taking an e-class by Kelly Rae Roberts, called Flying Lessons, and I am keeping a journal as I follow this amazing e-book, and this is what poured out one night, while working on Part I...

"My biggest fear is that I will outgrow my current life -- that my dreams will grow too big for this little, safe, comfortable place that I inhabit in the world. And my other biggest fear is that because of that fear, I won't try hard enough. I will squash my dreams and silence them until they die. Until I die."

And now that I've acknowledged these fears, it's not nearly as scary. I still have moments of doubt, but now that have owned up to it, I see it coming. And I am dealing with it, rather than letting it crush me.

(PS - Thank you for your friendship and supportive comments - particularly lately - I have needed it more than I may show. I am so fortunate and grateful to know you all.)

You see, I love this little space I occupy in the world. (Front porch, September 2013).

New beginnings...

I know that fall in upstate New York is the precursor to a very long, cold winter, but September still always represents a rebirth to me. The fresh, cold air makes me feel alive. Watching the little ones go off to their first days of school with new backpacks and new shoes makes me nostalgic for all of those firsts so many years ago. Although I generally did not love school, I was always so hopeful on those first few days that THIS would be a great year.

It's also my birth month. I have found, as I near the last year of my fourth decade, that most people my age do not enjoy acknowledging and celebrating their birthdays much, but I am that exception. I like to celebrate as much and as many times as possible for the whole month of September, and I justify every treat I allow myself during this month -- from new boots to a trunkload of pumpkins -- by saying "it's my birthday!" In fact, I have started referring to September 1 as opening day for my birthday festivities, which I gladly accept and celebrate through midnight, September 30.

This year, however, I've been in a bit of a funk during my favorite month, with worries about my current joblessness, and with that, questions about what I want to do when I grow up.

I know at least some of the answers. And they involve some big (scary) risks and some big (exciting) changes, to live the life that feeds my soul, as well as my body. I will be sharing more very soon...

Meanwhile,  a glimpse at a perfect day...  the trunk of my car, filled with the festive colors of fall...

Nine Eleven

The most valuable possession you can own is an open heart. The most powerful weapon you can be is an instrument of peace. -- Carlos Santana

Fun with fungus

Some photoshop fun with a picture of some 'shrooms growing on a tree stump at Albany Rural. The top left image is the original. The others are the result of playing around with hue, saturation and an artistic cutout filter...

Albany Rural Cemetery...

Of all the beautiful sights at my favorite cemetery, (and there are many), I love the Celtic cross headstones most of all. The strong, straight lines and symmetrical patterns stand in start contrast to the haphazard beauty of nature that surrounds them.

Here's a photo I snapped yesterday, along with a Photoshop-altered version...

Quiet your mind...(without checking, I think I have used this title before, Mea Culpa)

 "soak it all in, it's a game you can't win.
Enjoy the ride." -- Zac Brown Band

I have been reading a bit about the ego and the ego mind, and how my thoughts are just manifestations of my ego. How they are not reality. How, if I just stopped listening to them, I would be at peace.

I know this. I think most of us have been exposed to enough new age-y meditation-y stuff to get this, in the abstract, at least. 

But when I listen to my internal dialogue, I am so convincing. How can what I am thinking NOT be true? And if thoughts are meaningless, then what else is there? How do we put one foot in front of the other? How do we go about our days if we can't trust our own thoughts? (How can I be writing this?!)

I am not good at quieting my mind. I mean, really. I can't quiet my mouth, so it's not a reasonable expectation. I totally suck at meditation in the traditional sense. I just don't get it. My breathing is not fascinating enough to hold my focus. Even heavy breathing.

I understand the joy of being in the moment. I am just awful at staying there. I am compelled to evaluate the past moment and to anticipate the next moment. In my head. With varying degrees of intensity.

We all have internal dialogues. Most of the time, (if we are lucky,) they are the innocuous and helpful kind that help us to get through our day... lists of things we need to do, internal evaluations of past events, and plans for upcoming activities.

But what happens when the evaluation of yesterday's disagreement becomes an ongoing dialogue in your head? And you start staging a new argument? What happens when you attempt, in your mind, to rewrite the past, or manipulate the future, over and over again? I will tell you what...

ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY NOTHING DIFFERENT.

You are still in exactly the same place, except now you are angry or upset about things that have not happened. And are probably not even likely to happen.

So I know that this new age-y, meditation-y, "in the moment" stuff has merit.

And at least during the time I am writing this or am engaged in a creative activity, I am here, and not there. 

Sweeping the cobwebs from my blog...

Yaaaawn.That was quite a nap.

So the big news these days for me is that for the first time in exactly 30 years, I am without a job. I realize that means I am both old and fortunate, to have had steady work for all that time.

I was laid off recently, and I am learning a lot about myself in the process. Change teaches us so much about ourselves that we fail to recognize when we are just going through our regular daily routines.

Change forces us to notice things. It makes us face our fears. It makes us ask ourselves questions about our lives, our dreams and our goals. It makes us summon our strengths and admit to our weaknesses.

It's been just short of a month since my job was eliminated.

Week one came on the heels of vacation, so I spent it doing laundry and yard work and all of those domestic chores that one needs to catch up on after being away.

Week two was not as good. I was grumpy, lethargic, aimless. I had lots to do. Anyone who both owns a home and is looking for a job always has plenty to do. Now I had absolutely no excuse to avoid that long list of things that I could justify not getting done when I was working. Yuck.

Week three I came to the realization that I need some routines and structure. So that is where I am now. Creating new routines. Catching up with old friends. Trying some new things; using this time I have as a gift, and trying not to waste a minute of it. (Pinterest is NOT wasting time!)

I plan to venture out into some new art territory, of course, and I will share what I can with you, here.  If my art could be my next line of work, that would be outrageously awesome. (Note to local employers who may be looking at my resume -- your job would be awesome too!! )

I don't care so much if the long list of house chores is still there. Really, there is always one more thing to add to that list.

Meanwhile this guy is very happy that I am spending more time at home...

A new year...

I was down and out with a cold on New Year's Eve, but I did not mind. I discovered that the minor discomfort and fatigue gave me permission to just do nothing without feeling guilty. Okay, not entirely nothing. I really embraced Pinterest during my down time! Now to make the time to use some of that inspiration in my daily life!

I am fortunate to rebound pretty quickly, so I've tidied the house & tucked away Christmas for another year.

Busy putting my word to work for me ... discipline... it applies to just about every area of my life. It sounds like a stern and scary word, but I am learning that the gift it bestows is time and freedom later. We shall see!!

sketch 33 - face

heartbroken

My heart goes out to the families of Newtown, CT

This is going to be the last sketch I post for awhile. I am continuing to create new sketches daily, and I have plans for them, so you will see them again! Happy Holidays, my friends. I plan to continue blogging & sharing thoughts, humor and observations as time allows. Peace.

sketch 32 - face

the key

 "don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket." I just saw this quote on pinterest this morning and it was an apt reminder. i have a day off to shop and enjoy the company of good friends for lunch. i hope you take the time during this hectic season to find what makes you happy, and do it.

sketch 31 - face

tweet home

 

 

sketch 30 - face

present

I like words that have more than one meaning, like present. Either way, it is a gift. To be present, and in the moment, is a gift to those with whom you spend your time, as well as a gift to yourself.

I have to confess, I am not always present. My mind wanders. A lot. And it's not age. I was labeled a daydreamer by all of my teachers in school, from first grade on. I have probably blogged about this before. In the comments section of every report card, my teachers would note that I was a decent student, but I could excel if I would only spend as much time paying attention as looking out windows. Perhaps if they were more entertaining, I would have. Our interest focuses on things that grab our attention, or things for which we have a natural aptitude. We're lucky if we find something that we love AND that we're good at. I like to think I have found that with my art, and I want to show my gratitude to the universe every day, by showing up.

sketch 29- face

tea time

sketch 28 - face

sprig of holly

sketch 27 - face

the greatest gift

Sketch 26 - face

be a light

 

 

 

I am woefully underprepared for this holiday season, and yet, also rather unconcerned today. I am sure that a panic attack is right around the corner. Is it bad form to send everyone a link to my blog and post a digital Christmas card? Just kidding. I think this is dreadful, but at the rate I am going, this may be my only option.

 

Off to run errands, shop, walk Max, and then celebrate the season with friends. All is well. I will panic tomorrow!!

 

 

Sketch 25 - face -- and Word up for 2013

As some of you may know, my new year's resolution takes the form of a single word for the year rather than a declaration or list of goals. I swear by the power of a single word to transform my year. I think the main reason it works is its simplicity. It is easy for the mind to hold a single word and put energy behind it, and with energy, comes action and positive change.

I've been doing this for at least five years, and my life continues in a direction that reflects -- more and more -- who I am and what I need.

For 2012, my word of intention was power --my own personal definition of power -- which encompasses choice, and freedom, and financial security, to name a few. Even when I struggled through times in which I felt like the opposite was actually at work in my life, I just reminded myself of my word, and my circumstances began to fall into place. I have learned to just focus occasionally on my chosen word, and let it do the rest.

My word for 2013 has been in the wings for a couple of months already. I have been working for the past 25 days to put it into practice early. My word is discipline. I've read a number of articles this year written by artists and other successful creative professionals, and almost all of them name discipline as a key component in their success. And then this quote landed in my in-box a few weeks ago...

Seek freedom and become captive of your desires.

Seek discipline and find your liberty.

-- Frank Herbert (author, Dune)

So sometimes, you don't even have to choose a word. It chooses you.

holiday sweet

sketch 24 of 365 - face

book of love