"soak it all in, it's a game you can't win.
Enjoy the ride." -- Zac Brown Band
I have been reading a bit about the ego and the ego mind, and how my thoughts are just manifestations of my ego. How they are not reality. How, if I just stopped listening to them, I would be at peace.
I know this. I think most of us have been exposed to enough new age-y meditation-y stuff to get this, in the abstract, at least.
But when I listen to my internal dialogue, I am so convincing. How can what I am thinking NOT be true? And if thoughts are meaningless, then what else is there? How do we put one foot in front of the other? How do we go about our days if we can't trust our own thoughts? (How can I be writing this?!)
I am not good at quieting my mind. I mean, really. I can't quiet my mouth, so it's not a reasonable expectation. I totally suck at meditation in the traditional sense. I just don't get it. My breathing is not fascinating enough to hold my focus. Even heavy breathing.
I understand the joy of being in the moment. I am just awful at staying there. I am compelled to evaluate the past moment and to anticipate the next moment. In my head. With varying degrees of intensity.
We all have internal dialogues. Most of the time, (if we are lucky,) they are the innocuous and helpful kind that help us to get through our day... lists of things we need to do, internal evaluations of past events, and plans for upcoming activities.
But what happens when the evaluation of yesterday's disagreement becomes an ongoing dialogue in your head? And you start staging a new argument? What happens when you attempt, in your mind, to rewrite the past, or manipulate the future, over and over again? I will tell you what...
ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY NOTHING DIFFERENT.
You are still in exactly the same place, except now you are angry or upset about things that have not happened. And are probably not even likely to happen.
So I know that this new age-y, meditation-y, "in the moment" stuff has merit.
And at least during the time I am writing this or am engaged in a creative activity, I am here, and not there.