No worries. Right now, I think I’m great.
But here’s the thing. I think I’m great because I am proud of the path that I’ve been on lately. Because I am making art and staying sober and being attentive to my family and friends and keeping my house moderately kinda clean. Because I judge myself constantly, (and others, by the way – even though this is a big no-no), and when I am not doing the things that make me proud, I feel pretty crappy about myself. And when I am following my true path and meeting my own expectations, I feel good. To me, that makes sense. It’s how I was raised.
I still remember when I would come home with my report card as a kid. I was a decent student, but I have some willful and lazy tendencies toward doing things I don’t love, so my grades in math and science would inevitably dip by the third quarter, when I was just tired of showing up. And my dad would never get angry. He would just say, “if you did your best, and all you could get is a C,” then I am proud of you.” Yeah, I know. My dad is a very clever guy. Instead of feeling good about getting off without punishment for bringing home a “C,” I’d feel terrible because I knew that I hadn’t done my best.
But I keep reading in all of the feel-goody, new-agey articles out there that we have worth simply because we are. Not because of what we do. That our value isn’t tied to our deeds.
And while I may be able to forgive others their trespasses, and I have, many times (to a point), I have a very difficult time accepting my own worth when I am behaving in a way that goes against my own truth.
I also have a difficult time with the concept of worth as intrinsic as it relates to people who commit heinous crimes, such as murder or molestation. They have worth because they are human, and by their very existence, just like me, they are not defined by what they do? I could list much lesser offenses here, and still I would feel like this concept is not quite right. I don’t get this one, people. I just don’t.
So as long as I am trying to do my best, I am great. A bit judgmental, but otherwise, great.