Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Warning - I am ranting just a little bit here...

Control issue!? - Me?!

I've discovered recently (or is it again?) that I have one. Actually, I don't think it's an issue at all. I like to be in control - of MY life, MY art, MY decisions. That's all. Is that an issue? I don't think so. I can compromise, but I find that compromise comes easiest to me about things I don't care much about. The things about which I am really passionate and have strong opinions - like my art, my house, or my dog, for example - those are things about which I want to be the sole decision-maker. I don't want to compromise. I don't want to have to meet in the middle, or spend my time doing something out of obligation rather than something born of natural desire.

Of course, I've mentioned in previous posts that I am well aware that control of any sort is an illusion. How often do I get up in the morning and mentally plan how my day will unfold, only to find it doesn't work that way? To some extent, every day. I know that there are a billion details beyond my control - to me, this is another argument to hang on to as much of the illusion as I can.

All this, and yet I consider myself a pretty easy-going person. There are just a few things about which I have become very protective lately. My art - which is coming from a very personal place these days, so I am protective of the source and of the motivation. I want to share it, and I plan to -- but how and when? I just haven't decided yet. And my time - I never have enough to do all that I want. Does anyone??

In the meantime, here are some journal pages from my overnight in the country with Debbie. We also did a collaborative painting, but I forgot to take a photo. (FYI a collaborative painting is definitely a surrender of control!!!)

Footnote: It has been pointed out to me that my recent change in marital status could be part of my current control "thing." It is amazing how quickly one can get used to not having to consult with another human being when making decisions.


5 comments:

Marilyn Rock said...

Love your post here Kerri! I think your journal pages say it all. Side note: your pages, here, send me to places seeing these on large canvases; hanging up for exhibit! Perhaps not too far down the line (wink, wink) :) I also wonder, at times, in my own life; do I compromise or surrender control? That was a great point, you had, about not compromising on things you really care about. xxoo

Saucy Chick Sherry said...

Kerri Jean what a wonderful "voice" you have and how great that you can share your feelings. I do believe that we change during and after divorce (I speak from experience). As women we are such caregivers that we don't often take care of ourselves enough. I know this is old news but it is extremely important to repeat and be very certain to take care of ourselves as much or more than we take care of every one else. Your journal pages are wonderful and will keep you focused on you and your art. :o)
Thank you for sharing.

julie king said...

it is ok to rant. that's why we're here -- to listen and offer support! i know all about control. when i got divorced and became the single parent of two toddlers (26 years ago OMG!!) i felt the need to control so many aspects of my life. looking back i can see that it was a coping mechanism for having had my entire world turned upside down and feeling so abandoned. as time went on i was able to let most of that go and be less hard on myself, always thinking i had to be on top of every little thing. i guess my only advice is do what you have to do but please don't be too hard on yourself in the process. it's ok to relax a little and it's also ok to feel like you're in control. take care!!

julie king said...

me again! i also wanted to say that the journal pages are so vibrantly wonderful. i particularly like the bloom page, a theme running thru my mind and my art lately!!

fran p. said...

Kerri,
Rant & Rave as much as you want to relieve whatever set you off! After all who better than you has the right? At least you have people who understand on your side. Remember, you have to apologize to no one. It's always good to blow of steam as long as it's followed with a large glass of spirits.

PS: Journal pages are incredible...