Monday, December 03, 2007

Truth in blogging...


My sister Jennifer's boss has come to the conclusion after reading my blog for awhile that my sister and I are nothing alike.

In some ways, this is absolutely accurate. My sister fancies herself somewhat of a princess -- by her own admission -- which would make me the court jester, or a serf, I think. For example, she has her hair done at an expensive salon and "mani-pedis" on a regular basis. I have had two manicures in my entire life and I've never had a professional pedicure. If I had better bone structure, I think I would shave my head, or at least wear a very short pixie cut, as I hate even thinking about hair maintenance. I am happy when my hands are not covered in bandaids from the minor injuries I regularly inflict on them - oven burns and minor knife wounds usually. My current "purse" was originally a vendor giveaway -- my sister's many purses are named after people like Kate Spade. Our local mall has some new stores this year, and we are both equally excited - she can't wait to step foot in Sephora, a store devoted to high end makeup, fragrances and skin care items. I am thrilled that I can now try on my L.L. Bean duck boots before buying them! I have a dog on whom I spend more money for grooming than I do on myself. She barely tolerated the pets she was forced to share a home with when we were children. I can spend an entire weekend reading a good book, and I would guess I read about 30-40 books a year. My sister recently confessed that she's reading a lot more these days too. She's finished three books this year.

But beyond these superficial differences, his conclusion is based on the fact that he knows my sister very well - the way that colleagues who spend many years working together do - and he knows me primarily through my blog, where I exercise the right to edit my thoughts so that readers see what I want them to see. Although we are different, we are also alike in many ways that he doesn't see, because I have crafted a certain image of myself here.

I do want my blog to reflect my authentic self -- who is, in addition to the artistic, nature-loving, dog-crazy woman I've portrayed, also a moody, self-centered, short-tempered, and contradictory individual at times. So I've decided that every now and then, I am going to share random details about me that I normally would not. By the way, I am not implying for one instant, that this is how my sister and I are alike-- that she can be moody, self-centered or short-tempered...just ask her boss.
I'll start with this list I've been compiling in my head for awhile -- That's right. When I'm not pursuing loftier goals like art and reading, this is the crap that fills my head...

(Some) people who annoy the crap out of me...

1. People who stand in lines while talking loudly and animatedly on cell phones. I think this is a form of noise pollution. Such people should maintain a reasonable distance from those of us who are forced to listen -- like stay at home until you're done talking. I don't want to hear your half of an annoying conversation that could have waited until you were in your car talking illegally while driving (which I also hate).
2. People who can't park their cars within the white lines, thereby wasting a space that I could have parked in. I may walk two miles a day with my dog, but I want to pull up close when I'm dashing into the liquor store!
3. People who don't have their cards and deposits ready at the drive-up ATM when they get to the window. Am I the only person who fills out the deposit slip and gets my card ready BEFORE I am parked at the window? If you're not ready when I pull up behind you, please pull around and get behind me.
4. People who don't use turn signals. When I'm tailgating, you'd better let me know that you're turning, or I might accidentally rear-end you.
5. People who have daily bowel movements at the office. Is this really necessary? How can you even relax enough to do this within such close proximity to your colleagues? And how do you manage to disappear so that it looks like I LEFT THAT odor when I leave the restroom?
6. People who are dieting and then explain in minute detail all the little bitty things they barely ate today. "I had green tea and half a rice cake for breakfast, then a lowfat string cheese for a snack, then the hard boiled egg - but only half the yolk for lunch, and 18 almonds - I must confess I like the salted ones, so I mix them with the unsalted so they're not as bad." Oh shut up. I had a turkey sandwich at 10 am, with chips and a pickle, and then in the afternoon, I tried to steal someone's microwave meal out of the freezer because, of course, I was hungry since I ate my lunch at 10 am. And I can't wait to get home and have half a pound of pasta with pesto sauce, garlic bread and a glass or three of wine.

So there it is...another side of me. I hope I don't run into any of you on the drive home...literally.

12 comments:

Marilyn Rock said...

Wonderful post Kerri! I really enjoyed reading it and I have to admit, I admire you for being so candid about yourself. It's funny; I just got through with dinner eating MY 1/2 a pound of pasta (w/ chicken/broccoli) and a glass of wine; might even have another thinking that we could be raising our glasses at same time :) Love, Marilyn

Marilyn Rock said...

Forgot to say.....I roared reading about the bowel movement at the office. I spent 17 years in an office thinking this same thing but not expressing it! hahahahaha

Jesse said...

OH MY GOD!!! I don't even know where to begin. Just for the record I am a Princess.
LL Bean Duck boots what on earth are they?? YIKES!!
Even though I do talk illegally on my cell phone while driving,I hate it when other people do.
The bathroom thing is so funny. I thought of Jodi immediately and her reaction to this.
Parking in the white lines...I thought that was just me because of my OCD...
As far as being moody, self-centered or short-tempered let's leave my boss out of this. :o) I can only imagine what he will say.

xoxo LiL' Sisser

Laura said...

Oh, Kerri!!! I am first in line for an autographed copy of your first book! What a talent for writing you have, not to mention your various art talents.
Totally agree with your gripes and look forward to these occasional glimpses into "the other side of Kerri"!

Figaro said...

Aaaah... a new post.. I no longer have to look at the green tomato tree from the last post : )

I assume that I am the boss that you refer to, and that Jesse is the crazy sister. I enjoyed this post, and I think it confirms two things:
- You are still nothing alike
- Being moody and short tempered is genetic.

Boy, do I hate those cell phone people!

Love to the sisters!
Fig

Liz Ness said...

Hah-hah-hah-hah-hah! Love this post, too funny!

Cindy Dean said...

I had a long hard day and I was just about to go to bed and I read your post! I was laughing so hard my daughter looked at me funny! Thanks for the laugh and it is good to get to know the "real" Kerri!

Patti G. said...

Ok Kerri, this is hilarious and I loved reading it! So many people THINK these things and do not say them! Maybe some of the "offenders" will read this some time and get a clue!!!!!!!!! Haaaaaaaaaaaahehehehe!
You gave me a funny today! Thank you Keri!
Hugs,Patti

Nancy Bea said...

Great post on many levels, Kerri. First, it really brings up some deep questions about identity and self-presentation. Maybe we don't always know ourselves as absolutely firmly as we think, one tends to think one know's oneself in an absolute way...but it is always refreshing to hear someone else's (totally different) perspective. I've been astonished and charmed or horrified several times by getting this sudden perspective shift. Always a growth experience.

So yeah, you can control your blog material, your self presentation, but your "flavor" creeps through regardless. None of your hilarious (!) revelations surprised me in the least. And of course, I agreed with all of them (bring on the duck boots!) Except, keep in mind that sometimes you HAVE to park weirdly in the parking lines because of other cars parking weirdly: then you come out of the store to find they are gone and it looks like you are the white line abuser! Man, I hate that.

Debbie said...

This is very hysterical. Especially the people who annoy the crap out of you. I personally know these very same people!!

However, I do need to provide an alternative view on the bowel movement one. Now please realize that I have the personality that I hate having anyone hear me even tinkle in public. I've been know to stop mid-stream when the restroom door opens. To make matters worse, the physical construction of a public toilet renders it as a very effective noise amplifier. So passing wind in a public toilet for me is up there with the dreams I still have that I'm giving my oral report in high school - naked.

Now that I have said all that, I need to, in defense of those bowel movers, point out a couple alternate viewpoints because sometimes one can't control when $#!^ happens. For us who are devastated by such a public "outburst", we console ourselves that "hey, at least we won't have to pump our septic system as soon". And since I know at this point no one else will probably be reading this, in my case our home toilets are the old water saver type that have to be plunged if we accidentally flush a spider down them.

Then there is my beloved's point of view. He use to be proud of "moving" at work. OK, we do understand that this is probably a male thing. When he first declared his delight to me I was aghast, but had to know why he thought it was such a huge accomplishment. He gleefully retorted to me that he completely enjoyed the fact that he was getting paid to $#!^ on the job. So there you have it. And I bet he'd be one to be proud of the order he left behind as a sign of his accomplishment.... ;)

Robyn said...

If I continue to read this blog I'm going to get a hernia. Oh, boy you are so funny and some of the people who comment are pretty hilarious too.

lorri said...

Wonderful post - I like you even more now!! LOL