digging in the dirt

Like tilling the soil in springtime, new routines make us dig deeper within ourselves, ask questions, and discover abilities and ideas we did not know we possessed. And then we bloom. And grow.  Of course, there will be droughts that make us wilt, and weeds that try to strangle us, but if we continue to reach toward the sun, we can blossom into a [insert your favorite flower here.] – peony?

For much of the past year, I have been “tilling the soil,” so to speak. Not entirely voluntarily, I might add. I lost my job – well that is not entirely true. I know where my job is. It moved to NYC, and now someone else is doing it. Good for her.

Bitch. Actually, she seemed like a very nice person. I met her. I "oriented" her. I was asked to give her all of my files, and I was told by my lying, little, tiny coward of a boss that she was being hired to help me. For the record, I never believed that. And even though I don’t want that job back now, working for that teeny tiny "man," I still resent her from time to time. So, I am not all sunshine and daisies. None of us are. And that is a part of the message that has been working its way up to me through the dirt that has been my life this past year.

But the real a-ha moment for me is that now, I finally know what I want to say. I am both a positive and negative person. I like this contrast, and I like to poke fun at it. I like to laugh at life’s troubles and indignities. I believe that our troubles, more than our triumphs, unite us, and that sharing them helps us to know that we are not alone. And that we will get through them.

So my message to the world is sunshine AND rain. sweet AND sour.  good AND bad. strong AND weak. And I want to convey that message, with humor, through my art and life.

Stone angel

Albany Rural Cemetery. Altered angel. April 2014.

I want to preface this post with the acknowledgment that I am a very fortunate woman. I have a good job and a comfortable home and good health. Most importantly, I am surrounded by the most supportive and amazing friends and family in the world. I am grateful each and every minute for all of my blessings.

That said, this has been a difficult six months two weeks, three days, and nine hours for me (but who's counting?). I am learning a lot about myself, and not all of it is good. For one, I have a very low tolerance for suffering. Like, practically non-existent. I really like it when the world goes my way. It reminds me of that saying,"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."

And not only do I like to get my way, like a petulant three-year-old, I am an incredible brat when I don't. And I hate brats -- I have no tolerance for them, even when they're ME.

Have you read about the theory that it takes 21 days to form a habit? Well this is another thing I have learned about myself. It takes me about 1 hour, give or take, to form a bad habit, but it takes me about six months to develop a good one. So I've spent a lot of the last six months drinking and swearing and sitting on the sofa wishing that I enjoyed kale and exercise.

All of that said, this incredibly depressing stone angel seemed to be rock bottom for me, no pun intended. All of a sudden after this post, I am getting the hang of my job and feeling competent. My morning routine is falling into place, and I don't feel like an exhausted, disheveled mess every day. My mind is spinning with creative ideas that I can't get onto paper quickly enough -- because I do have to capture them quickly, or they disappear -- this is another thing I have finally learned!!

I am hopeful that this little bit of discomfort that I've had to endure in my amazingly good life will improve my character just a tiny bit. And if not, who cares? The world is going my way again, and that makes me happy. (I know, I have not evolved at all.) ;o)